Inclusion or Isolation: Was Joining a Group for Pokemon "GO" the Wrong, or Right Thing, For Me to Do?

Mentally Preparing Myself for Interacting with Others: A Daily Struggle

For most individuals, being around other people is not that big of a deal.  For someone, like me, with social anxiety, a little PTSD, and depression, it really is a struggle to even leave my room.  My day to day life is also a struggle, having to interact with students in the Math Learning Resource Center where I work tutoring math and in the classroom since I am also a student currently enrolled in college.  I want to better my life and progress forward, so, I do my best to not become overwhelmed in either of these environments, but that does not always happen.  Students, over the years, have become lazier, assuming our job here is to do their work for them and, being in class with some of the same people I work with, I see it even more.  My focus needs to be on myself, my path, and my future.  Not worrying about the actions of others around me unless it concerns me, like sometimes with instances at work.  As mentioned in prior blog posts, some students I tutor try to "lay claim" or "own" me because they favor my way of help over another tutor.  This does add stress on me, but, I need this job.  I do my best to help everyone and anyone I can, getting through each work day.

To prepare myself for the day ahead, I wake up early to walk for a couple hours, playing Pokemon "GO" to hatch my eggs.  This helps me wake up, feel I have accomplished something, while also getting in exercise that is convenient for me.  I still try to go to the gym over the weekend, but lately with how hectic life has been with finals coming up and work keeping me busy, I just keep walking.  Walking is truly the easiest form of exercise for me and can be done just about anywhere.  I walk around my house in my neighborhood in the morning and drive over to City Park to walk in the afternoons, working in exercise around my class or work schedule.  The combination of exercise with a goal-based game where I can set my own goals, does help ease the stress that everyday life may cause.  Not everyone understands why I do all that I do, but, they do not have to.  What I do to help myself is strictly my business.  It just makes sense to play Pokemon "GO" because it allows me to be outside, which I was not able to do growing up, and exercise.  What could be better than that? Add in some social situations where I can work on my social anxiety, and it is almost like therapy. It sure has helped me to slowly get better, but I am still a work in progress.  Healing takes time and there should be no rushing it.  

(Photo taken by me while "hunting" in City Park)

Joining "BLUEROUGAROU"

With only bad memories when it came to trying to fit into any type of group, i hoped my experience this time would be better.   With how often I walked City Park, I began to call out rare spawns, raids, and even research that other members might want to also complete.  This led to me becoming known as "The Questinator."  My favorite thing in the world is helping others, so aiding out a large group of people with their game play, was perfect.  I also was getting in a lot of extra walking to make sure I covered all possible pokestops that the park contained.  While doing this, I befriended someone who I have grown really close to.  He happens to be one of the group admins and helps me constantly, walking with me every day.  He has been there a lot for me, even on days when my anxiety, depression, and self hate are all high.  He is one amazing man and my best friend.  

The problem with being friends with an admin of a group like this, people tend to think one thing or another.  After GO Fest last year, the group was kind of divided between those that went and those that could not get tickets to go.  The ones who went formed a "clique" type group, which they denied existed, and started leaving other members out when it came to raiding or catching rare spawns.   Tension was felt and conflicts happened, off and on, for a while.  There were a couple members who would instigate other members, or even admins.  They got a rise out of it and seemed to enjoy causing issues among "their teammates."  My experiences with this led to me growing tired of the selfishness and the disregard for the respect of the others in the group, so, I spoke up.  Someone was offended by what I said, told everyone I hurt their feelings, than personally attacked me, telling me my comments are uncalled for and unnecessary.  For about a month or two after receiving those messages, I stayed quiet and kept my opinions to myself.  I feared posting in the chat area or even congratulating anyone on a "shiny," a good "IV" legendary, or making it to Level 40.  I allowed this person to rent space in my mind when I should not have.  That experience just reminded me of things I went through in my past with other people, including some family and my exes.  No one person is better than the other and we all sit on a toilet to take a dump.  i will not say i was innocent in this scenario because I should have kept my mouth shut and not vented to someone, who went directly to that other person.  The only thing that bothered me was that the person with the issue with what I said about them, never confronted me to my face.  We could have talked it out like adults, but instead, they kept excluding players from raids, or avoiding basic interactions with them.  My opinions on this are simply that, and I am entitled to them.  The person may eventually read this so I am apologizing for my "going to someone else with my issues," but, the truth can hurt.  He showed me that when he basically threatened me in the messages he sent me.  This is a game, and outside of that, we are real people in the real world.  I forgive this person and hope they do the same, but, be careful how you talk to people.  I am a forgiving person.  Not everyone is and not everyone would speak up about something they saw going on that was not right. Pokemon "GO" is about being a team player and helping other players out.  Excluding anyone during game play due to your feelings towards them, different races, different sexes, different "teams," or even a difference in opinion is uncalled for.  Make right with the people you wrong, but be sincere about it.  Do not just "make nice" to heal a wound you caused.  That still makes you selfish and only looking to "cover your own a**."  These situations may have happened behind a phone screen, but, the people affected were actual human beings.  I know I will think before I vent to anyone if another situation arises and go straight to the source.  Also, make amends with the correct person, not just an innocent bystander who grew tired of unfair treatment of people that was blatantly obvious.  You can say I am a "hater" and accuse me of whatever you feel the need to, but, I apologize and realize my mistakes.  Have you? Maybe so or maybe not.  Only time will tell and I have no problem talking what went on, out.  This wound shall heal as well, but it just goes to show, you can never get away from reality.  It will always bite ya in the butt.